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Fiona Apple Rants About Texas Police Following Drug Bust

Fiona Apple
Frederick M. Brown, Getty Images

The experience of getting busted for drugs and spending a night in a Texas bordertown jail is one that most people would try to put behind them as quickly as possible. But as we all know, Fiona Apple is very much her own kind of person.

Apple visited Houston on Friday (Sept. 21), two days after her trip to the pokey for drug possession, and she took the opportunity to vent a few of her frustrations regarding the incident. While she apologized for being “attitudey” during the booking process and admitted that “most of the people were very nice to me,” she had issues with a handful of officers at the Hudspeth County Jail. “There are four of you out there,” she warned at the beginning of an occasionally confusing rant, “and I want you to know I heard everything you did.”

Continued Apple, “I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said, stupidly thinking that I couldn’t hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and — I got two lock boxes. We’ll call them ‘holding cell one’ and ‘holding cell two.’”

Apple went on to explain the contents of the boxes, sort of. “In ‘holding cell one’ is the encoded version of the s— that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In ‘holding cell two’ is the decoder. I’m the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever.”

Or possibly not forever, actually. It all depends. “Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night?” questioned Apple. “Unless you’re interested in being a celebrity, I’ll make you f—ing famous any time you ask and I’ll open those boxes. So why don’t you stay in your f—ing holding cell?”

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