Lost & Found: That Thing Wouldn’t Bother Us Since We Don’t Bathe That Often
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Most of us took baths just this past Saturday, and none of us saw any giant slime monsters. It’s not likely a humongous, quivering mass of animated sewer waste with evil orange eyes and giant, yellow razor-teeth would go unnoticed, no matter what level of consciousness we were in.
But the hero in today’s film seems to have a lot going on in his life, so he was most likely thinking about his hangover and his plans for that night. Look at that sweet tattoo and those amazing sideburns — this dude definitely is on top of his game. An eldritch feces monster wouldn’t even phase this guy.
Spray deodorant and aspirin are to this man what a can of spinach is to Popeye, except he doesn’t have to be a big, melodramatic show-off like that sailor weirdo does all the time. Nope, our guy’s all class. The proof is in his mouth, from which he yanks an item of ladies’ bedroom wear.
We, on the other hand, probably would not fare so well. Our only hope would lie in the fact that we would almost never be in the bathroom at 7:30 in the morning. That monster would probably get impatient and just leave while waiting on us to wake up.